ATTACK OF THE SLOBBERY GLOBERY KIDLET

Door to the underworld

    Beware of  The Slobbery Globbery Kidlet  as they are every where! They usually travel in packs of 4-20 . Do not be fooled by their sweet, helpless exterior as it is merely ruse used to stalk unsuspecting pray.  They are ruthless creatures and if found within their clutches one will surely parish!

       Thankfully I have come up with the SGK survival guide !A mini manual that will help you survive if you find yourself amongst a pack of SGK’s.

1)    INTIMIDATION: 

      SGK’s though fierce are easily intimidated by our extreme height difference. The SGK is small in stature and even when out numbered the use of intimidation will prevail… at leat for a short time.  The key is to stare them down and commit! You cannot back away even when they bust out their most dangerous weapon; a salty secretion from the eyes that reduces them to a blubbering heap on the floor causing you to let down your defenses showing sympathy . THIS makes you extremely vulnerable to their sneaky ways.

2)     ISOLATION FROM THE PACK: 

       SGK’s feed off of each others energy. They are really only dangerous in groups, so if you isolate one you can easily manipulate them into doing your bidding. IF!  you are really smart and have the means, isolate the smartest SGK in front of the pack. The others will act like lemmings and follow mindlessly!

3)    SHINEY BRIGHT OBJECTS:

      These are like gold to the SGK !! They’re like crows in the sense that they are fascinated by shiny cool objects. I like to use sticky balls that glow different colours, stickers or  rainbow ANYTHING! These items will distract the SGK allowing you to either escape while you can or even better… control their tiny minds! Be wary though, SGK’s have extremely short attention spans so this will only buy you a short amount of time. 

4)    HAND SANITIZER:  

       always… I repeat ALWAYS! Carry hand sanitizer around with you! It is your greatest defense against the bacteria that surrounds the SGK. SGK packs are  breeding grounds for dangerous diseases that can hurt you. Its like touching a turtle; they look really cute so you pick one up and … BAM SALMANELA!   so watch out and carry a little bottle where ever you go. It may also be useful to quarantine yourself for a a day or two after coming in contact with an SGK.. you know so you don’t create an epidemic or something. 

5)    Never Run:  

       SGK’s are attracted to running so if you think “oh shit an SGK I’m gonna book it instead of following sara’s manual” then they will chace you, eventually you will get tired and they will win! (SGK’s have an abundance of energy storage so what they lack in muscle they make up for in stamina… basically they will always catch you.) 

6)    CANDY/ TREATS:   

      SGK’s have a weakness for sugar so if you throw candy at them they will dive and fight over it amongst each other buying you more time for your escape. 

7)    Try to avoid physical contact especially the ‘HUG’:   

This one up front is going in for the kill!

      SGK’s have a signature weapon against us. Its called the HUG and this is how they really get you. To someone totally unaware of the SGK The HUG seems like a really cute sign of affection. In reality they are trying to squeeze your soul out so they can eat it and stay young and small forever! What happens is one will come up and hug your knees then the others will follow until you are in a death grip so tight you can barlely breath. They will hold on so tight and wait until more and more join in creating a massive group hug that’s force will inevitably pull you to the ground where they will proceed to attempt to suck your soul through tiny little kisses… its really quite an awful experience! 

They look cute, but its all a LIE! 

death chamber

       
8) THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE! 
SGK’s love surprises and are easily confused and awed by random loud noises or faces. If you suspect a potential HUG coming on quickly avert their attention to  a ridiculous face or elephant impersonation … my personal favorite is the zombie ( I flip my eyelids around and put a zombie face on) not only is it terrifying but it confuses the shit out of them! Another good one is to make them laugh, when they laugh they are happy, when they’re happy they’re not thinking about sucking your soul.

Well there you have it, the ultimate survival guide to dealing with SGK’s. They are a strange breed but if you follow this guide your chances of getting out alive or at least in once piece are pretty good. Sometimes I think that deep within their tiny globbery frame there lies some ounce of goodness and maybe they are just misunderstood creatures… that is until you meet one by the name of Robot and then you realize there’s no hope!

      
    

I haven't quite figured out what the V stands for .... but I'm working on it

BOOT CAMP!

I’ve spoken about this week with many referring to it as “ Teacher Boot Camp”. Essentially what the week consisted of was a run down on company policies, payments and of course how to run and manage a class. It was a week that I was particularly looking forward to but at the same time extremely nervous for.

 As I made my way to the JH office I couldn’t shake the memory of  my 13 year old self venturing off to camp for the first time.  I was about to meet the 24 new SHANE teachers and of course those pre-adolescent thoughts of “what if no body likes me!?” started to creep in.  Well, I arrived at the office and every thing was fine. The teachers were all very friendly as most were in the same position as me. Once every one arrived we were split up into 2 mini busses and began our journey north of the city to the Island of Chongming.

I guess things were going a little too smoothly and because TIC (this is China), chaos just HAD to make an appearance. After making a wrong turn off the highway and driving for about 20 min we managed to get back on track. But wait, the Gods couldn’t have just left it at getting a bit lost..noooo no, they just had to make things more interesting…

 So get this, we are driving in the far right lane when our tier blows up causing and almost immediate collision with the car directly behind us. Luckily our driver had some sort of road 6hth sense and she swerves to the left lane where we nearly smash into the car in front of  us! Being the NAS car driver she is she swerves once again landing us on the far left shoulder, white as ghosts, slightly confused and almost ready to blow chunks.

Now not only were we an hour late we were now stranded on the side of the road watching out driver change the tier while 3 police cars drive by with out a glance in our direction. Actually I think I saw one police officer in a Hawaiian shirt while talking on their cell phone, I just hope they weren’t on duty.

We arrived at the hotel where we spent the first two days going over logistics, aka all the really boring but mega important business type stuff… you can bet your ass I paid as much attention as I could, you know, in between doodles and snoozes. On the third night we moved to a hotel in the centre of the island. There we came across a peoples square where every one was waltzing. Now, I can’t dance very well but obviously that wasn’t about to stop me from joining in on the fun! Will (another teacher) and I tore up the dance floor and generated a bit of a buzz amongst the crowed. I can only imagine what was going through some people’s head’s as they witnessed the clumsy and foolish banter of our feet twirling about in the most awesomest of ways; perhaps it may have been something like this: “Hey look at the goofy white couple trying to dance! Let’s crowd around and laugh at their lunacy!”

After our little dancecapades we went back to the hotel for a night cap and some good old KTV (that’s Chinese for karaoke.! [its actually not but that’s what they call karaoke here]) .  Nothing like a beer and a little Thriller to send you off to slumber ville!

The next few days went a little something like this:

• Wake up at 8 for breakfast
• Learn games and teaching tools
• Eat Lunch
• Practice making lesson plans and controlling classes
• Eat Dinner
• Practice lesson plans on fellow teachers
• Get Drunk stay out till 1
• Wake up and do it again

This is how responsible teachers learn how to run a class room:

    For one of the drinking nights we actually used the children’s games to get us smashed. Drink of choice for these educational moments: Bijio * Just a little side note about Baijiou; it tastes like durian mixed with dirty diaper, feet and vodka, oh and you keep getting tastes of it all night because it really hates to stay down (if you know what I mean … ) yumm!

Actually if you think about it, most of the drinking games you play in Uni can be swaped over to be played as educational learning games with children… obviously minus the alcohol.

So friends, in a nut shell this is how I learned to be a teacher. I have now been working for the past week, loving every minute of it and I have to say that the training has really helped me! I even use some of the drinking games as real class games and the kids love them… little do they know how much they will still love them once they reach adulthood! :p